Thursday, February 24, 2011

Sometimes the answer is no…

Unfortunately, the third time is not the charm in our baby situation. We went for our appointment Tuesday; we got there at 2:30 and didn’t leave until like 5pm. This was the first appointment where neither Steven nor I were really nervous about go to… we just felt we’d finally made it past the danger zone and we were really excited about this baby. Finally, around 3:50 the nurse called us back. My doctor came in about 4pm. (I was keeping up with the time because I had to be a school at 4:30 and I had 2 presentations that night!) Anyways, the doc came in and started trying to find the baby’s heartbeat but couldn’t. She told me not to panic so I really didn’t…I was just thinking how stubborn this kid was and how I was going to be late for class, but on the other hand I was secretly happy that I was getting to have another sonogram because I was aching to see the baby’s sweet face & I wanted to see how big it was getting. But when we got to the sono room I got nervous and very scared. The lady had to finish up with the last patient so I had to wait a minute and I started to feel the tears build up…I just all of a sudden had a bad feeling. So she got everything ready and started…and the baby was bigger..I could see it’s spine and it’s arms & legs were longer…but there was nothing where the heart should be beating. Just nothing. My heart broke. In a split second, all our hopes and dreams were gone.
So, we’re faced with our 3rd miscarriage in a year. It honestly feels like a horrible nightmare that you can’t wake up from. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever been through…it’s just horrible…I wouldn’t wish the heartbreak on my worst enemy.
Tomorrow night I go to the hospital to have the baby and I’m scared. I don’t know what to expect and I don’t know how I’m going to feel when this is all over. But I know I’m so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. Everyone has been was wonderful and supportive. The prayers are really bringing us comfort.
I don’t understand why Steven and I are having to endure something so horrible, but I do know that God is with us and HE is going to take care of us and get us through this terrible time. We are heartbroken, sad, angry, and scared…but we will get through this…we always have! These three miscarriages are a very big part of my life…but they are not going to define my life. I don’t ever want to forget about these three babies we’ve lost this past year…but I do want to move on and hope for success in the future when it comes to expanding our family.
Please keep us in your prayers!!

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